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Post by blinddog on Jun 6, 2008 22:03:52 GMT -5
It's been awhile but I'm back. Here's one of my latest. Sure would like some feedback.
Sweetheart do you hear me? I said do you hear me Just want to tell you All the things you do You put me in a mood Lovin' you feels so good
Can I hold you a little more? Don't go running out the door It's alright, you can stay You don't have to run away You told your story and I understood Hold my hand, it feels so good
If you don't want me just let me know I won't like it but I'll let you go You're runnin' away, so am i Let's run together and never ask why I'll tell you I feel it in my blood You and me feels so good
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Post by pentangleafternoon on Jun 12, 2008 20:35:37 GMT -5
ill step up to the plate and try a critique if i may-
good parts- very reassuring tone, it's basically a good heartfelt 2nd person narrative. lines like don't go running out the door indicate a wisdom of pain and experience which is a good mix for a main passionate side of the piece
decent parts- some of the intended rhymes might be arye in places like blood/good and mood/good BUT rhyme isn't as important in poetry as it may seem. - i for one say that you should expand the poem into a type of story. you build a foundation of loyalty and compassion, and if you have any more in the tank you might go about explaining what feels good. comparing feelings to nature or classic allegories is a way to go should you choose that route.
all in all a fine piece for your lady i hope she stays!
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Post by blinddog on Jun 13, 2008 18:59:11 GMT -5
Thank you. For the record I should note that this piece is more of a blues number. I'm currently putting some guitar work behind it so the rhymes were added just for the sake of rhyming. I try not to do that too often in my work but for this piece I felt it was appropriate. I appreciate your advice. And this wasn't written for anyone in particular. I'm having fun being single.
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Post by Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide on Sept 3, 2008 14:46:28 GMT -5
that was really good.. i enjoy reading things that have an upbeat feel to them...sadly i can only write about depressing things...but i loved it...write more!
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